Affection
by lefcadio
Summary: Vignette. During his younger years, it could be said that affection was an emotion quite foreign to Ender. Ender reflects upon his childhood and the years he spent in the schools, and how, in particular, his time there was affected by Valentine and Alai.


During his younger years, it could be said that affection was an emotion quite foreign to Ender. Certainly there was none forthcoming from the adults; well aware of their deceit and constant manipulation, Ender saw lies and trickery in their few actions which could possibly be read as kind. He always remembered the trip up to the Battle School; Graff had praised him in front of all the other children, and in doing so also censured him. An act which under other circumstances would be flattering, but even then Ender knew better. Afterwards, of course, Graff had made it plain that he was not a friend, not an ally - and certainly held no affection for the boy.  
  
Later, Ender would realise that this was not the case, and that Graff was acting in accordance with what he believed would be best for everyone. _Except me,_ Ender would think silently to himself, but without bitterness. It was at that point, though, that Ender's isolation truly began. Isolation in, perhaps, the cruellest sense of the word. Surrounded by peers and wanting to join in their camaraderie - their jokes and laughter, their shared triumphs and defeats - and yet not being able to. Being excluded, feared, hated; such feelings Ender had faced before, but never as alone as he was at that moment. Before, there had always been Valentine.  
  
Now, Ender sits in his room alone. The atmosphere is dry and sterile; the bedsheets still crisp. There's a light scent lingering in the air which Ender knows and remembers, a scent which still tugs at his heart. As he gazes at the blank, smooth wall, he hears in his head the echoes of Valentine's offer. Of Valentine's decision. He can picture her standing in the corner of his room, smiling at him, the corners of her eyes crinkling up in happiness the way he knows and remembers only too well. She's offering him her hand.  
  
Valentine; his safety, his support. He faced Peter with her, and he faced Peter and Stilson alone. Either way, he always knew she was there, always knew she loved him through it. Her love and affection reached him in a way that his parents' stilted feelings could not - what she felt for him had always been unconditional, and on the day he had been taken away to Battle School, it faded. Through years of never receiving any form of letters or communication, it disappeared.  
  
But Valentine was always in his heart. Even as he was manipulated and goaded into fights, even as he fought through the chilling fantasy game, she was there.  
  
Ender now sits, mulling over his decision to go with the ship. He knows he must, and knows Valentine wants him to, though he's not doing this for her. He will govern the colony, and he will come to understand the buggers. Ender knows there is nothing for him here, no reason for him to stay. And yet, he closes his eyes for a moment and thinks of another, his mouth twisting into a faint, sad smile.  
  
His time at the schools had not always been lonely and companionless. Ender's first ally was Shen; by the time he left, he had the company, respect and awe of so many. And yet, there was still only one who had eased his heart, only one who, with a gently warm whispered _"Salaam"_ and a soft kiss, had disarmed him in a way he had never expected.  
  
"Alai," Ender murmurs the name, tasting the soft sounds on his lips as he rests his forehead on one hand.  
  
Alai had given him a gift of immeasurable value during a time of darkness, and Ender deeply regretted the inevitable gap which had grown between them at Command School. Hierarchy, respect, orders, duties; these were things which kept them apart, but which were, ultimately, necessary. He had been young and alone, and he had loved Alai.  
  
Ender stands up, crossing over to the bed and pulling back the sheets. Sitting down and wrapping them around him, Ender knows that he doesn't need Alai now, and won't miss him.  
  
But along with Valentine, Alai still holds a place in Ender's heart; one who did not deceive him, one who offered him love and affection, but unlike Valentine, one whose place is not with Ender. 


End file.
